THE PAINED CHILDHOOD
My life is one complicated story – everything stems from the childhood, as they say – oh how much I agree to this now.
So much things that happened when in the early days have really shaped who I am, what I am – my health issues.
I would like to begin by saying that, like many others, I came from a broken family. Though it is sad to admit, yes, typical story – parents separated, children left with grandparents.
Growing up under the care of my grandparents was mostly painful. She ran a tight ship. She was very strict and quite physical when things did not go well or her grandchildren misbehaved against her wishes. I would have to admit though that she was generous in terms of giving us money and food. Later on in life, I learned about her own tribulations when she was growing up – things like unrequited love and attention, an unspoken female rivalry between a daughter and mother
The fact that my mother did not raise us, was an additional burden for a child. You go through life wondering why your mother was never there. You grow up asking what is wrong with you, what is lacking in you, or was I not good enough?
My mother was always having failed relationships even after she separated with my father. She herself was an unfinished business – an unending cycle of falling for the wrong men, an endless drama of chasing after men. She must have been short of love and nurturing back when she was still a child. I would like to believe she could not give to us what she did not have or was not given to her. So there we are – my own upheavals and dramas along with my mother’s tangled stories.
There are a lot of painful memories from primary school days – common things like bullying, having to go to school alone – dreading school – dreading mathematics, dreading leaving home. You see those days I use to get stomach issues which I am pretty sure were coming from my own unexpressed fears as a child.
This bullying part was ever present in my learning days. Classmates would endlessly throw names at you. This made me hate school big time. This affected my confidence, my emotions – I am not surprised the horrors of bullying are a big part of my health stories.
This is one of the hardest thing to grapple with. Even up to now such sporadic feelings come and go. I get into a cycle of too much deep contemplation about the past – the what ifs and the what coulds. But I am also aware that I must move on from this negative phase of mine. But like everyone else, we all need to time to pick up ourselves from spending too much time in the familiar – I fear the unknown, but who doesn’t?
Loneliness is a strong enemy. I try hard to even write my feelings, write positive thoughts and affirmations. But such hardwired mental beliefs are a challenge. Days when you feel empty, days when you question your purpose – they come and go.
Loneliness can really damage our bodies. It certainly did, in my case.
I am really a believer that STRESS is the number one reason why our bodies develop illnesses or diseases. Stress chips into our auras and energetic frames, then physical problems start to manifest.
Stress is powered by the mind – our constant thinking of negative stuff can really bring our body down. After all, what the mind believes, the body will follow.
But I wish it would be easy to just magic our way out of stress.
This is a journey – a daily sojourn of how to appease, address, mitigate and eliminate stress in our minds, and our lives to free up our physical issues.
I stumbled upon Reiki Healing after my mother died in 2008.
As a person, I have always been drawn to the natural things, the unexplained phenomena, much more to energy healing things like Angels, meditation, unexplained stories about healing from diseases, unexplained miraculous things. I guess being a soft, introverted person, an empath, indigo child – these sets you to get really magnetised to Healing.
I trained in Reiki in 2008 and then took my 2nd level training a few months after. From that time, up to now, Reiki is my ultimate comfort and healing saviour. I can never imagine my life without Reiki.
I wont explain what Reiki is, it is best left for one’s own research, if one is truly committed to healing thyself and knowing more about natural healing stuff.
I LOVE REIKI. I COMMIT MYSELF to daily self healing – this is my ideal vision – as most times I tend to be complacent about it.
But now, I am trying my best to address my issues. I am teaching myself and my mind to really embrace that I am healing, I am healed and I am healthy and balanced.
No one else can do this for me.
It is time to use my TOOLS for HEALING that I have been taking for granted.
RECOMMENDED TOOLS FOR HEALING
I just bought a course in EFT and hopefully I will dedicate my time in studying that to address my unresolved past hurts and traumas – 90% childhood days.
My Mindfulness and Meditation Audiobooks and MP3 recordings – I bought some online stuff from Amazon, from the College of Sound Healing, from Audible UK and from Soundstrue Meditations which I really need to find time to use and finally do it consistently.
Do you experience such struggles?
What is your story like?
How are you coping?
What are you doing to heal the past to heal the present?
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